I'm not a chef I'm just a dude who watches a lot of food TV so prepare these recipes at your own risk CARROT SOUP A few nights ago I got around to making up a batch of carrot soup to use up some carrots. Measurements are weird because my kitchen is weird. 1 cookie sheet of carrots 1 onion A thumb-sized chunk of ginger (1.5 inches or so?) 1/2 bottle champagne 3/4 bottle Pinot Grigio (opened, "probably from last weekend dude, go for it") 1 can chicken broth 1 can coconut milk cinnamon cloves Set oven to 350. Peel carrots, drizzle lightly with oil and put into the oven for 40-60 minutes. You want them to get a little color but definitely no char. At the same time as you start your carrots, get out your soup pot and put it on low heat. Add enough oil to make the bottom glisten. Add the onion, diced. Let it cook low for 40-60 minutes. Turn them down or off if they start to look like they might burn. When the carrots are done, scavenge some wine, add it to the onions and crank the heat up to high. Attempt to light the alcohol on fire until you realize sticking your arm into a pot to light it is dumb, and that wine that has been open in the fridge for an indeterminate amount of time probably doesn't have much alcohol left anyways. Chop the carrots small enough to fit into your blender easily and add to the pot. Add 1 can chicken broth. Add 2-4 cloves depending on the age of your cloves. Reduce heat to a strong simmer and reduce by half. Peel and grate in the ginger, removing any of those weird ginger hairs. Remove from heat and fish out the cloves if you can find them. (They are probably soft enough to blend in smoothly but I'm not really sure?) Blend soup in the blender, adding coconut milk as necessary because it's probably pretty glompy. Attach lid to blender securely if you aren't considering redecorating in orange stucco. Return blenderfulls of pureed soup to the pot and stir them together along with any remaining coconut milk. (reserve a tablespoon or so for garnish if you are a fancypants) Add cinnamon, salt, and black pepper to taste. I thought some cilantro on top might taste good but I didn't have any. If you want to make it look all pretty make a spiraly pattern out of some coconut milk on top, and wiggle a knife through it. If you do it right it will look like a fancy cup of coffee. You will probably fuck up the first one. SLOW-COOKED PORK If the Richter scale measured flavor:effort put in instead of earthquakes, this would be a 10.0. It's not really "my recipe" but it's also too simple to credit anyone for it. PORK 1 Pork Shoulder (Also called "butt" and "picnic shoulder") 1 Onion Worcestershire Sauce Brown Sugar Liquid Smoke Hickory (optional) 1 serrano chili (optional) Quarter the onion and spread the chunks evenly over the bottom of your crock pot/dutch oven. (If you don't have either of these things you already fail at low-effort cookery) Salt the pork, then cover the outside in an even layer of brown sugar. Put meat into the crock pot. Add several splashes of Worcestershire sauce. Add liquid smoke and the serrano, chooped up if you want them. (You do) Cook on low for 10-12 hours if crock pot. Cook in oven at 220 for 5-8 hours if you only have a dutch oven. Remove the meat and let it cool before shredding it unless you have heat resistant gloves or metal fingers. Do not discard what remains in the pot. Proceed to the sauce. THE SAUCE The meat is good, but the sauce is the key. The instructions here are also incredibly vague because when I make this sauce it is usually about an hour-long process, and I never end up with the same ingredients in there. The only absolutely essential ingredient in this is the pig juice. The rest of the ingredients are things that I have used with success. 1 Pig Juice* Tomato Paste Ketchup (not really necessary if you use tomato paste) Red Wine/Cider Vinegar Spicy sauce (my last batch used a mixture of sriacha and regular dave's insanity) Garlic powder Dried Oregano Cayenne Pepper Black Pepper Cumin *Pig Juice: Pig Juice is magic. You cannot buy it in any store. You may also notice that this recipe comes AFTER the slow cooker pork recipe. It can't be made without it. The pig juice will be in the pot after your pork has finished its slow cook. This mixture of water that sweated out of the meat, melted fat and collagen, Worcestershire, sugar and onion juice is the heart of your sauce. Strain the Pig Juice into a sauce pot. Reduce it by at least a third (I prefer half) Add ketchup or tomato paste. I advise dried/powdered ingredients because they basically dissolve into the sauce, you can use fresh chopped stuff if you don't mind the sauce chunky. Add whatever else you like, the sauce will be fairly sweet because of all the brown sugar so I like to make sure to get a lot of heat in there too. There would be pictures if I had a camera. More recipes when I feel like it!